I sincerely wish all the readers of this blog, and their family a very merry Christmas. I hope you will have a good time and forget the worries of the time.
The picture has been shot in Ryoanji (竜安寺) à Kyoto just after a snowfall. The temple is reknown for its stone garden, which is quite suprising under a show cover. You way continue your reading by an article written last year about Christmas and the New Year in Japan
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Friday, December 26, 2008
Merry Christmas 2008
International couples with a Japanese partner
Living in a foreign country certainly makes someone more vulnerable. Whether as a student or an expat, this is an easy time for starting a relationship. Those seem more frequent between European men and Japanese women. This may be because Japan mainly attracts western males, and Europe is more to the taste of Japanese women. Maybe this is also due to the fact both are used to the active role in romance in their own country. It seems anyways that falling in love is more common abroad. The attraction of an unknown culture, the interest of discovering even the most insignificant details of daily life far away from home, and, it has to be said, less acuity in evaluating the beauty of someone from another ethnic group, all this makes the “love blindness” more acute than in a normal relationship. However, if the beginnings are straightforward, life as an international couple is not easy to organize. This article gathers, for what they are worth, some pieces of advices.
Respect
A couple feeds on mutual respect. However, in this case, there is strong temptation to establish a hierarchy between the two countries: Europeans will look down on the chaotic planning and architecture of Japanese cities, the sometimes inefficient relentless Japanese way of working, and the specificities of local politics. Japanese people will despise train strikes, dirty streets and indifferent service in restaurants. However, this is very dangerous for the couple: even if one is aware of his country limitations, nobody likes to be taught a lesson from a foreigner. And any attempt to put a hierarchy between the countries will immediately be understood as an attempt to create the same order inside the couple. One should be especially wary on information about the partner’s country in internet forums, blogs and expatriate sites: some western sites gather some very debatable information on life in Japan, with doubtful shortcuts being commonplace. One common mistake made is to describe a marginal behavior, which can be shocking in any country, as the norm.
A couple feeds on mutual respect. However, in this case, there is strong temptation to establish a hierarchy between the two countries: Europeans will look down on the chaotic planning and architecture of Japanese cities, the sometimes inefficient relentless Japanese way of working, and the specificities of local politics. Japanese people will despise train strikes, dirty streets and indifferent service in restaurants. However, this is very dangerous for the couple: even if one is aware of his country limitations, nobody likes to be taught a lesson from a foreigner. And any attempt to put a hierarchy between the countries will immediately be understood as an attempt to create the same order inside the couple. One should be especially wary on information about the partner’s country in internet forums, blogs and expatriate sites: some western sites gather some very debatable information on life in Japan, with doubtful shortcuts being commonplace. One common mistake made is to describe a marginal behavior, which can be shocking in any country, as the norm.
It is probably much wiser to declare once and for all that Europe and Japan are equally developed, which is actually true if living standards are compared. This does not forbid from discussing, with kindness and a sense of humor, the typical drawbacks from a country or another, and even to actually enjoy it, as this is part of the pleasures of travel: a European café needs a busy and rough waiter as a Japanese train line needs an employee waving a small red flag on the platform for the “experience” to be genuine.
It is also important to respect the efforts the uprooted spouse to adapt to a new environment. This is never easy, and at times discouraging. This is an excellent time to prove attachment to ones partner by helping and listening. On the contrary, if the blues of the partner is seen only as an obstacle to watching the football game or going out with friends in the latest trendy restaurant in Daikanyama, it can be quite a destructive experience for the couple.
Home
A couple is made of affection between spouses, but it is also the choice of a common lifestyle that is acceptable to both partners. In this case, there are several challenges: the choice of a home country will mean at least one spouse will be far away from family, the country culture and products, and very likely, this will also decrease career opportunities. Internet allows for free communications and access to the origin country news, but this is not everything. You need to have been an expatriate to understand this strong need for a special meal you are used to since childhood: despite the outstanding Japanese food, after one year in Tokyo, I would have happily exchanged a diamond for a good “saucisson lyonnais”, the sausage from my home town. I believe it is important to speak with one’s partner of the life envisioned for the future before taking any hard commitment. Settling abroad is never insignificant, and very often, the spouse living in his or her home country will not be aware of the difficulties, especially if he or she never experienced living in another country. A decent compromise is probably to settle in one country, but to keep open the possibility of coming back to the other country if circumstances are appropriate. This will reduce the pressure for the expatriate partner to ‘integrate at all costs’, and so increase the rate of success. Settling abroad is of course easier if the expatriate spouse has an interest in the host country.
A couple is made of affection between spouses, but it is also the choice of a common lifestyle that is acceptable to both partners. In this case, there are several challenges: the choice of a home country will mean at least one spouse will be far away from family, the country culture and products, and very likely, this will also decrease career opportunities. Internet allows for free communications and access to the origin country news, but this is not everything. You need to have been an expatriate to understand this strong need for a special meal you are used to since childhood: despite the outstanding Japanese food, after one year in Tokyo, I would have happily exchanged a diamond for a good “saucisson lyonnais”, the sausage from my home town. I believe it is important to speak with one’s partner of the life envisioned for the future before taking any hard commitment. Settling abroad is never insignificant, and very often, the spouse living in his or her home country will not be aware of the difficulties, especially if he or she never experienced living in another country. A decent compromise is probably to settle in one country, but to keep open the possibility of coming back to the other country if circumstances are appropriate. This will reduce the pressure for the expatriate partner to ‘integrate at all costs’, and so increase the rate of success. Settling abroad is of course easier if the expatriate spouse has an interest in the host country.
Japan is a very urban country. This certainly has drawbacks, from crowded trains to cramped houses. However, those are also vibrant cities: shops open at any hour, any show or cultural activity you can think of, numerous excellent restaurants, and very fashionable boutiques: all this is usually less than a few subway stops away. If a Japanese person from a metropolis (Tokyo, Osaka-Kobe-Kyoto, but also Nagoya, Hiroshima or Fukuoka) comes to Europe, the same opportunities are only available in the biggest metropolises. In France, Paris would definitely be OK, and Marseille Lyon or Toulouse may be tolerable. Settling in a small town may be a shock for a Japanese person. This is even more acute in American suburbia, where, despite excellent living conditions, life is so far away from Japanese cities.
Money
A trip back to see the family may cost more than 1000 Euros for the spouse with a far-off family. Imported products and books may be hard to find and very expensive. A simple Japanese magazine may cost between 10 and 15 Euros in a Japanese shop in Paris, and it will be impossible to find it in other French cities. Japanese people settling in France, even from modest origin, are used to clean and safe street, and to an excellent quality of service. They will adapt better to pleasant downtown districts than to plebeian suburbs. The other way round, a European person settling in Tokyo will feel better at ease in a pleasant district with large avenues and parks. This is why money will go a long way in a successful expatriation. Also, many young adults are living at their parent’s place and use their whole salary (often around 1500 Euros monthly) as pure pocket money. If they settle with their spouse in Europe, their standard of living will certainly erode significantly. I could not recommend enough building estimates of the couple budget, and the way of life that could be achieved (housing location and size, holidays...), before taking any hard commitment.
A trip back to see the family may cost more than 1000 Euros for the spouse with a far-off family. Imported products and books may be hard to find and very expensive. A simple Japanese magazine may cost between 10 and 15 Euros in a Japanese shop in Paris, and it will be impossible to find it in other French cities. Japanese people settling in France, even from modest origin, are used to clean and safe street, and to an excellent quality of service. They will adapt better to pleasant downtown districts than to plebeian suburbs. The other way round, a European person settling in Tokyo will feel better at ease in a pleasant district with large avenues and parks. This is why money will go a long way in a successful expatriation. Also, many young adults are living at their parent’s place and use their whole salary (often around 1500 Euros monthly) as pure pocket money. If they settle with their spouse in Europe, their standard of living will certainly erode significantly. I could not recommend enough building estimates of the couple budget, and the way of life that could be achieved (housing location and size, holidays...), before taking any hard commitment.
Some practical details, such as the combination of pension benefits from two countries, should be studied in details. Double contributions are extremely costly and can reduce income by 20%. There are some agreements though between European countries and Japan (The agreement between France and Japan was signed in 2005, and deployed in 2007), and the situation has been improving a lot, but it is anyways better to check. Career opportunities in Japan for European people should be realistically evaluated. Even with a good position in a multinational company, it is not always easy to find a similar job in the Japanese subsidiary of the company. And this is the most favorable case: the professional horizon for many foreigners is limited to conversation teacher, a precarious position with limited income that some people may also find unpleasant. This may be a good second salary in a couple, but may not be enough to raise a family.
Mariage
Whatever your opinion on couples that do not want to wed, immigration laws are such that it is often compulsory to get married to be able to live together. In certain cases, only the Shengen tourism visa (3 months of stay every 6 months) is available for a non-married spouse visiting Europe. And this is not the only reason to get married: the expatriate partner will feel more secure moving to another country with the couple having an official status. Also, unmarried couples are exceptional in Japan, where less than 5 percent of children are born out of wedlock. Wedding will be an almost compulsory step, and it may come slightly sooner than ideally wished. Japanese families will however not easily accept a wedding if the man is still a student, as they consider he does not yet have a job to sustain a family. Most Japanese ladies will also wish to work for a few years in Japan after they graduate before getting married and maybe following their husband in his country. Also, it seems to be easier for families to accept their children’s chosen ones when they are in their late twenties or early thirties, as this may be seen as one of the last opportunities to “marry on schedule”. This is not actually specific to international couples.
Whatever your opinion on couples that do not want to wed, immigration laws are such that it is often compulsory to get married to be able to live together. In certain cases, only the Shengen tourism visa (3 months of stay every 6 months) is available for a non-married spouse visiting Europe. And this is not the only reason to get married: the expatriate partner will feel more secure moving to another country with the couple having an official status. Also, unmarried couples are exceptional in Japan, where less than 5 percent of children are born out of wedlock. Wedding will be an almost compulsory step, and it may come slightly sooner than ideally wished. Japanese families will however not easily accept a wedding if the man is still a student, as they consider he does not yet have a job to sustain a family. Most Japanese ladies will also wish to work for a few years in Japan after they graduate before getting married and maybe following their husband in his country. Also, it seems to be easier for families to accept their children’s chosen ones when they are in their late twenties or early thirties, as this may be seen as one of the last opportunities to “marry on schedule”. This is not actually specific to international couples.
Language
Terrifying letters on one side, absurd grammar on the other side, Japanese and some European languages (especially French) are amongst the most complex to learn. Some international couples communicate in English, others in Japanese or their mother European language, if one of them learnt it at university. The truth is that learning a new language as a young adult why having a full-time job is difficult for most people. This is however compulsory, as only reasonable abilities in the spouse language will allow a good communication with the families, and speaking the language of the country of residence will help with integration. As it is often hard to start working on a list of “Kanjis” back from work at 10pm, a 3 to 6 months sabbatical to learn the spouse language in the country may be a good idea.
Terrifying letters on one side, absurd grammar on the other side, Japanese and some European languages (especially French) are amongst the most complex to learn. Some international couples communicate in English, others in Japanese or their mother European language, if one of them learnt it at university. The truth is that learning a new language as a young adult why having a full-time job is difficult for most people. This is however compulsory, as only reasonable abilities in the spouse language will allow a good communication with the families, and speaking the language of the country of residence will help with integration. As it is often hard to start working on a list of “Kanjis” back from work at 10pm, a 3 to 6 months sabbatical to learn the spouse language in the country may be a good idea.
Ways of life
Some people explain the difficulties of international couples by complex cultural differences due to the gap between Christian and pagan philosophy. This may be true, but the more mundane differences between the ways of life are also important. In the couple’s home, shoes can be either worn (European style) or taken off (Japanese style). The bath can be in the morning (European style) or before sleeping (Japanese style). Young Japanese ladies usually spend the last weeks of their pregnancy in their parent’s home, whereas they would stay in their marital home in Europe. Women usually manage the couple money in Japan, whereas this is more a shared decision in Europe. Holidays are short and luxurious in Japan, whereas in Europe they are longer and often just mean going to a relative’s house in the countryside. Grocery is bought everyday in Japan, every week in Europe. Good beef meat does not include fat in Europe, whereas it does in Japan. Also, Japanese people do not like surprises, and will appreciate that a schedule is established and respected. So the couple will have to decide on all those lifestyle topics of varying importance, with the good solution probably a compromise between the ways of life of the two origin countries. It is probably better to discuss the most important items before moving together.
Some people explain the difficulties of international couples by complex cultural differences due to the gap between Christian and pagan philosophy. This may be true, but the more mundane differences between the ways of life are also important. In the couple’s home, shoes can be either worn (European style) or taken off (Japanese style). The bath can be in the morning (European style) or before sleeping (Japanese style). Young Japanese ladies usually spend the last weeks of their pregnancy in their parent’s home, whereas they would stay in their marital home in Europe. Women usually manage the couple money in Japan, whereas this is more a shared decision in Europe. Holidays are short and luxurious in Japan, whereas in Europe they are longer and often just mean going to a relative’s house in the countryside. Grocery is bought everyday in Japan, every week in Europe. Good beef meat does not include fat in Europe, whereas it does in Japan. Also, Japanese people do not like surprises, and will appreciate that a schedule is established and respected. So the couple will have to decide on all those lifestyle topics of varying importance, with the good solution probably a compromise between the ways of life of the two origin countries. It is probably better to discuss the most important items before moving together.
Those few lines may have convinced that building an international couple is not trivial. Sharing another culture is a wonderful experience, but this also includes important constraints. Honest communication is key to anticipate difficulties, and find a middle way acceptable for both.
Additional Informations
Previous stories have been published on Japanese couples, and about life as an expatriate in Japan.
I would be glad to complete this story with your experience. I will enrich the topic with the best comments.
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Previous stories have been published on Japanese couples, and about life as an expatriate in Japan.
I would be glad to complete this story with your experience. I will enrich the topic with the best comments.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Nikko under the snow
The beauty of Japan is sometimes hard to grasp. Just like a bitter vegetable or a glass of red wine, you sometimes need to taste it several time to really appreciate, besides Tokyo (東京) old concrete the small charming gardens and neighborhoods. Even Kyoto (京都), the historical capital mixes centuries-old temples with pachinko parlors and crappy flats. There are however some pure instants of fleeting beauty : cherry blossoms in a remote countryside, a temple lost in the forest, or a neighborhood garden set alight by autumn colors at dawn. I was lucky enough to visit Nikko temples (日光) during a snowfall.
The town of Nikko is at the foot of the North Kanto (関東) mountains, around one hundred kilometers from Tokyo. Recorded history starts there in the 8th century when a monastery is founded by a famous Buddhist monk. It became a famous training center for monks before going back to obscurity until the 17th century, when it is chosen for the mausoleum of Tokugawa Ieyasu (徳川家康), the general who succeeded in unifying Japan. He was buried there in 1617, and it is during that year that his grandson Tokugawa Iemitsu (徳川 家光) started the construction of the shrine and the mausoleum that is still visited today.
Even without the additional charm of a snowfall, Nikko is with Kamakura (鎌倉) a must-see historical sites in Tokyo surroundings. Its style is atypical in Japan: most of the monuments dears to the Japanese hearts have a plain style. They use beautiful raw materials and elegant composition. Nikko temples on the other hands have exuberant colors and overloaded decorations by the finest craftsmen of the time. This may be why some Japanese people despise them. Anyways, the contrast between those finely carved monuments and the beautiful cedar forest is very pleasant. The impression is probably closer from the Palatine chapel in Palermo than from the Zen gardens of Kyoto, but one can spend hours to admire the details of the bas-reliefs, with a thought for the fifteen thousands workers who had been building the monuments for two long years. And anyways, 5 minutes of Japanese television will convince anyone that the country culture is also made of bright colors fighting each other.
The main monument is Toshogu (東照宮,) it hosts the grave of Tokugawa Ieyasu, and is located in a nice forest that can become very atmospheric in the fog or, as in this beautiful morning, under the snow. The temple is reached by a long path with a 5 storey pagoda on the left. Its structure is very ingenious: the main axis of the pagoda does not touch the ground, so that it can be used as a counterweight in case of an earthquake. A similar solution is now used in modern high-rise buildings. Back to the Nikko alley, with the trees covered of snow and the foggy atmosphere, one would not be surprised to see a horde of wolves or maybe an Oni, a local ogre, appear from behind the trees. After reaching the first door of the monument, one can see the famous 3 monkey carved in wood, representing the Buddhist precept of ‘see no evil, hear no evil, tell no evil”. A picture of them is included in every Japanese guidebook, and, just like Mona Lisa, I must confess I was slightly disappointed by the crows and their relative small size. 
However, the other buildings of the complex are outstanding, and, in this snowy morning, the bright colors seem ever livelier surrounded by the white snow. The contrast between the smooth carvings of the bas-relief and the rugged texture of fresh snow is striking. And any ray of sunlight will transform the temples in a baroque orgy of colors that would perfectly fit to Mozart’s requiem. The first monumental door is the Youmeimon(陽明門). It is the most decorated, and the legend has it that one of the pillar was mounted upside down as the craftsman was afraid the gods would be jealous of such a perfect masterpiece. The wall just right of the door is decorated by superb colourfull carvings surrounded by stone lanterns. Going up a stairs, visitors enter the inner shrine through the beautiful Koreimon (唐門).
A small path on the right leads to the inner shrine (Okusha奥社) through a long and mysterious stair in the forest. Even if the architecture is less impressive, the feeling of entering the holiest place, the grave of Tokugawa Ieyasu, is worth the ascent. The mausoleum is very Japanese in its simplicity, quite a surprise after the exuberant decoration of the Toshogu. The Toshogu temple is the main reason to come to Nikko, but other historical sites are worth the visit: the Rinnoji temple (輪王寺) and the futarasan (二荒山), in the vicinity of Toshogu. Nikko is also surrounded by beautiful mountains: Chuzenji lake (中禅寺湖) appeared when a lava flow closed the valley, the famous Kegon falls (華厳の滝) and the Senjogahara swamps(戦場ヶ原) are very pleasant from June. The region is certainly worth a two or three days trip.
You may want to continue your reading by this story about Autumn in Japon.Practical Information
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The temples are at the end of Nikko main street, on the hill just the other side of the river. From Nikko station, you should turn right and walk around 30 minutes. Alternatively, you can board the bus from platform 1 or 2 up to Shinkyo station (神橋) (Y190, 1.60 Euro).
You can make the trip more pleasant by boarding the limited express « Tobu Spacia » which will allow you a VIP crossing of Tokyo’s never-ending northern suburbs (1h50, Y2720, 22.60 Euro). You may have to change trains at Shimoimaichi (下今市). The trip is more pleasant and the seats more comfortable than in the standard service from the Tobu line (東武伊勢崎線快速, 2h04, Y1320 11 Euro departure every hour).
Travelers with a generous budget may want to spend the night in the « Classic Hotel »Nikko Kaneya (日光金谷ホテル). The others may also stay at the nearby Kinugawa-Onsen (鬼怒川温泉) hot springs popular resort, a few minutes train away(from 20 to 30 minutes, train change in Shimoimaichi, Y300, 2.5 Euros).
The town also has a JR station, with a less convenient service (45 minutes from Utsunomiya宇都宮)
The Nikko Tourist Association site (http://www.nikko-jp.org/english/) offers detailed information in English.
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